Content :.

•May 19, 2009 • Leave a Comment

There’s something nice about when you wake up on a drizzly cold morning and there’s a warm body snuggled next to you, even if the body is furry and under your armpit. Jack the cat will blink his eyes sleepily at me as if to say, “Still early, let’s lie in some more..” but he’ll get up and follow me everywhere the second I get up off the bed.

Weekdays, the house is quiet. The floorboards will creak as I walk around. It’s a sound that’s both familiar and not, at the same time. I don’t deny how it makes me feel at home, the smallest things do. Most days, the skies are grey and sometimes wet, a far cry from the blazing heat and blueness that I’m used to, but somehow, the greyer skies make me feel happier.

I drink my morning tea with a cigarette, and Jack purring between my knees and thinking about what I will be cooking for my charges when they get home.Dishes, laundry, the cat and all manner of domestic things will occupy my time until then.

Come three o’clock, sometimes three oh five, the quiet warmth that the house has been wrapped in will be broken with excited yells and screams. Their schoolbags will be dumped at my feet, jackets shoved into my arms, and one of these cheeky boys will be hanging off me like a monkey asking me a thousand and one questions, most of which I’ll never answer, because he asks me in such rapid succession.

The two boys will turn the carefully cleaned house into a mess within minutes. Because of them, I’ll be in the kitchen until it’s time to tuck them into bed at eight thirty. In between, their parents come home, Mom first.. and she’ll have the best of the day’s gossip with her, and we’ll watch the soaps and eat chocolates and she’ll moan about how her pregnant belly is about to burst.  Dad’ll be excited to show me the day’s downloads and what he has planned for the evening’s photoshop lessons.

The best part of the day comes when the boys are in bed and after they’ve said their prayers, time to kiss them good night. The older one just found out about cooties and thinks it’s uncool, and after a tiny amount of resistance will allow it anyway. The younger one always wraps his arms around my neck and hangs on, as if that will stop me from turning off the light.

Admittedly, when the boys have gone down for the count I’ll miss them, just a tiny bit. When the cuckoo downstairs says it’s midnight, I’ll cosy up in the covers and wait for the rapid and soft pitter patter up the stairs.. and the tiniest of creaks from my door, and Jack will make himself comfortable at my feet. This furry foot warmer is really something.

Stony Silence :.

•April 9, 2009 • 2 Comments

How can you miss someone when they’re sitting right next to you?

At times I feel invisible, or as if I’m just this giant useless teddy bear sitting there.. Like I have no relevance or point of existence.. I’m just there

It makes me feel so angry and sad at the same time. And yet all I can do is stay silent, because is there really a point to say anything?

I don’t know how many times I’ve ridden gunshot with someone, and during the whole car ride, I never utter a word because I don’t have to.. the other person is constantly on the phone, or has nothing to say to me. Or if there’s anything to say, it just opens a whole can of worms better left untouched, and I get hurt all over again, fresh wounds to add to the ones already weeping, and the ones that have formed scars..

Sometimes I feel like an extra appendage.. superfluous.. of no use to anyone. And I’m really losing my head here, because I’m starting to lose myself.. I used to have dreams.. and now I’m not sure, or I’ve forgotten what it’s like to want something so bad.. or to have a goal to chase.

I am lost. I’ve said before, I didn’t need anyone. Maybe the real truth is.. no one needs me. I’m just the extra.. Nobody special.. Not worth noticing.

It would be merciful to just sleep in peace.

Time to breathe :.

•March 11, 2009 • 2 Comments

Just passing by.. and thought I’d leave a note.

Giving myself time to breathe for a bit. Life is on cruise control, and I’m just enjoying the ride.

I’m keeping busy and keeping sane. I’m surrounded with my friends and family, and being grateful for what I have and trying not to think of what I lack.

It’s raining on my doorstep, and I’m wondering if it’ll stop soon. And if there will be a rainbow after..

But I guess I’ll have to stick around to see it, right?

Longing to fall in love :.

•February 19, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Maybe I’m just a sucker for punishment.. but..

I’m in the mood to fall in love and have my heart achingly broken.. I don’t know why..

Actually I do know why.. if there’s anything that fuels my writing, it’s heartbreak. Gray Eyes has quietly retreated into the part of my head that rationalises that we can never be together physically, so he’s better off on the shelf with the memories of lovers past. And I haven’t really felt anything for anyone else for a while. A fleeting crush, maybe, but nothing significant enough to inspire my writing.

The drama at home is nothing inspiration worthy. It just feeds my anger and bitterness, and often just dredges up the wounds and insecurities I’d rather have hidden away. It brings out a part of me I’d rather not see.

Not that heartache is any better, it turns me into a weepy maudlin mess, makes me gain ten pounds and lose all proper  perspective on reality, but that period of mourning and moaning is conducive for my wordsmithery and once I’m out of the fog of misery, I usually turn into +.1 V of myself, with extra experience points on my side.

And besides, it’s always nice to be in thrall, even for a little while. I’d like to put on the rose coloured glasses and see the world somewhat differently, rather than the blackness that’s been enveloping it all this while.

No pity left :.

•February 16, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Sorry I’ve been away.. I thought I could deal with the pressing issues with my life by doing something about it.. but I can’t. Not the way things are.

The one bright spot in my life for the last couple of weeks was going to the SM Town concert in Bangkok. You know for about 2 and a half days.. it felt so NORMAL.. I cried. It’s so sad when the one thing you actually yearn for is to be normal.. and to get it in such short fleeting moments.. it’s just.. I don’t know. The concert itself was fun. 5 hours of my life I’ll never forget.. emotional, fantastic, and sunburnt. Lol. I met a few other fangirls there.. and to be able to share that kind of experience was just amazing. Gosh, I miss Cate, Tanya, Mandy, Izzie and Cyan so much. I stayed at the Dusit and was there when my idols came into the hotel. They passed by in front of me. I nearly peed myself.

I came back on Sunday/Monday night to emotional turmoil in the house. It’s been like that for the last seven days. Seriously..  when you remove yourself from the situation and come back to see it in full force, you realise how unhealthy and how crappy this current life truly is. It came into spotlight even more last night, as I was talking about it to a friend who was supposed to go with me, but couldn’t in the end.. she said that she was glad I went because I needed it, I came back and my face was aglow and shining. I know the words were supposed to be supportive, but it made me so sad because people close to me can see how much all these ridiculous demands take a toll on me.

I am angry because I wanted to take a pillow and smother her to death earlier. I couldn’t look at her with any pity or any shred of softness left in my heart. It’s hardened. It’s stone. This is what you get when you try to rip a person apart, take away their hopes and dreams and then proceed to make them think that they owe you big time.

Last night after a wonderful valentine’s day dinner with my girls.. I came home, sat in my darkened car, and cried and wailed my heart out. No one heard me or ever will.

10,000 fans, 57 songs, 7 different artists, 5 hours, For one night only :.

•February 6, 2009 • Leave a Comment

SM Town. Bangkok.

Less than one year after the start of my Korean Boyband obsession, I’m going to see them LIVE. TVXQ and their fellow labelmates SHINee, SNSD, Super Junior 13 & M), Zhang Li Yin, etc.. will be performing on Saturday at last!

The concert was supposed to be last year on 29th Nov, but after the riot broke out and the airport was shut down, the concert was postponed at the last minute.. Which turned out to be a blessing in disguise because now, I’m able to go and see some of my favourite acts.. (and my most HATED act) perform live.

And because the concert was postponed, they’re doing a lot os SPECIAL STAGES to make up for it..

I’m probably mean for saying I’m kinda glad that CSJH are not performing, cause I want to see more of the other acts.. but I know a lot of people will be disappointed that they won’t be there.

I’m really looking forward to it.. a little nervous.. because I’ll be meeting a WHOLE LOTTA PEEPS that I’ve never met before.. fellow forum peeps and LJ-ers.. awesome.. It’s going to be a HUGE gathering.. a sort of United Nations under Korea.. lol..

Okay.. I need to wrap my head around this.. so I’m heading for bed now.. I’ll report on everything when I get back..

Map The Soul – freestyle :.

•February 3, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I can’t even talk when I’m drunk. I slur.

And Tablo can spit rhymes double time. Yezzur. (Ignore me and watch video plz.. KTHNXBAII)

Still Raining…

•February 3, 2009 • Leave a Comment

Korean class was rained out today. Rain, though refreshing sometimes, is turning out to be a real wet blanket.

I see the pictures in the papers everyday.. examine the news.. more landslides and floods. Why can’t I still believe it’s happening here?

It’s true though.. we haven’t seen this much rain since God knows when.

Rain, it brings me memories both good and bad, and some I’d rather forget. It’s kinda painful if you think about it too much. Make someone misty eyed and tearful, when there already is abundant water to go around.

It’s raining still?

Rage :.

•February 2, 2009 • Leave a Comment

I should invest in a Rock Band set for the Wii.. or a decent boxing bag and a pair of pink gloves. I’ve got a lot of unspent rage inside.. and I find myself getting furious over the miniscule things because I can’t get angry about the big things that are bugging me in life, and maybe the world would be a safer place if I got my anger out by banging my heart out on the drums on Rock Band, instead of taking it out on the road.

I found myself getting really steamed about a carfull of idiots who had parked on my bridge while waiting for someone’s CNY Open House earlier this afternoon. I honked the hell out of them and then proceeded to give them the ‘Christine, car from hell’ treatment. But then again, who told you to park on MY bridge and not move when you saw my car coming.

I’m kinda messed up right now. My brain is being bi-polar.. One moment I’m laughing over some hilarious video in the intarwebs, and the next second I’m sobbing because the issue that’s currently pressing me pops back in and sends me to tears.. and then I get angry because I can’t deal with it the way I want to. I want to drown my sorrows in all things illegal.. but I’m trying to be a better person now and not numbing myself when I should be dealing with things. It’s not easy I tell you.

I used to be a lush in the worst way. Waking up to the hair to the hair of the dog.. Now I’ve got a half empty bottle of Absolut Peach in my cupboard that I haven’t touched since my birthday week.

Would it be bad of me if I said that I am contemplating finishing that bottle right now in the worst way to put a damper on my sorrows. Maybe I should just throw away that bottle for the best. I made it to February already without the usual bad stuff.. But then again.. cutting someone right off at the source has a way of making people reprioritize their life after realising how heavily substance dependent they can be.

Maybe I should just invest in that Rock band kit after all.

The Darker The Night.. :.

•January 31, 2009 • Leave a Comment

… the brighter the stars will shine..

You can fly (No matter anyone says)
Higher (I won’t ever)
Then the birds in the sky (Give up on my dream)
You can fly (No matter anyone says)
Higher (I won’t ever)
Then the birds in the sky (Give up on my dream)
Fly (My Baby) No matter what the world says
Fly, fly, get em up high,
No matter what anyone says, go go
Fly (My Baby) Even if love leaves you behind
Fly, fly get em up high…
Fly, even if you’ve got nothing
You Can Fly, even if love abruptly leave you behind
You Can Fly, even when you’re suffocating from pain
You Can Fly You got to fly sky high!