The First Fight

Since the very beginning, my best friend and I have never fought, argued, scuffled, railed at or all out disagreed with each other. Ours was a friendship that was blissful from the get go, we understood each other, held each other’s hair back when we were kneeled over the porcelain throne from drinking too much, bailed each other out from our respective troubles, and generally kept the other’s head straight.. most of the time.

So a few weeks back, when we were faced with.. certain undeniable truths, a mistake, and tough decisions.. It was the first time that our friendship had fragmented and cracked under pressure. I admit to being angry, so angry that I lashed out at her when things had not gone the way I had planned. And when I did, she recoiled and retreated into the deep dark hole she sends herself into that I usually have to retrieve her out from.

It’s not just anger that drove me. There were many things.. that I’d rather not explain, lest you find out the true workings of my sick and twisted mind. But it was the first time, I had ever been faced with the thought of losing her as a friend. Sometimes rather than explain or express things, we lash out as a first defense. It’s always been that way for as long as I can remember, I will attack before I get attacked.. my defense mechanism is permanently switched on. Often I have looked back and thought that shouldn’t have happened, but I always seem to strike out first to keep the pain away.

In the process, I hurt her, which I am regretful of.. because if there was one person who understood me most in the world; the selfish, broken, egotistical, self that I am that I am.. and never judged, it would be her. This time, I didn’t rush to her rescue, because I couldn’t. I couldn’t help her, I couldn’t ‘fix’ her problem.

As a broken person, I feel compelled to help/interfere/assist in so many things, just to prevent other people from getting broken. Or I seem to have the urgent need to “fix” things, or have an answer to everything. It’s not that I want to be some kind of genius show-off know-it-all, I just want to repair things before they get worse. In other words, my “Buffy/Wonder Woman” syndrome. The world needs saving, and I need to do it, even if it isn’t my problem.

This was my best friend, and I couldn’t help. I was helpless for once. I couldn’t out talk, out think or out do anyone.

There is nothing worse than to feel so helpless.

The helplessness came from a feeling of inaction. Usually, I could “do”, but I couldn’t. I just should have “been” as maybe that was all she needed.

The weeks that followed, as we each left the other to our own devices, and I missed her something crazy.. it started to dawn on me that sometimes, helping isn’t about doing. I can’t fix everyone else, as I’m still broken and still need fixing.. but I could surely “be there”, which is sometimes all that you need to do to help.

It’s still a difficult thought to wrap my head around.. “What? The world goes on without me saving it? Surely, you lie!” But it does.

But I would have never known this, or really had it drilled into my thick skull had it not been for the first fight.. We’ll probably never forget that day in our lives.

We’re talking now.. It took a tearful MSN conversation, one initiated by her, to fix. If it had been left to me,  my own stubbornness would have probably kept it up until we were rotting in our graves, but the second she did talk to me, all was forgiven. The anger I had been steeping in me for weeks, melted like the first snow on the sidewalk.

Though all is not the same in our world, and we’ve both emerged a little hardened, but the important thing is that we’re still together. Our friendship is a little battered and bruised, but our love for each other is still the same.

But maybe it just takes the first fight to realize what we have. Really. And with her, I have everything I need.

Emerald Goodbyes :.

Wow.. has it been two months already? It’s hard to believe, feels like just yesterday I was crying while kissing my nephew goodbye and leaving home, and now I’m crying while hanging with my other two nephews as they fight their sleepy eyes to spend a few more hours with me.

In about four hours, I’ll leave the happy house, and start on a long drive to the airport, and I’ll watch the fields and farms go by.. glance at the statue of the Unicorn of Kerry for the last time.. and I’ll wonder, like I am wondering now, where on earth I should be. Every thought is not meant to become a great big philosophical question.. but it just becomes one. I knew I was just a temporary addition to the family.. though it felt good to belong for a while.. and when I go home, I’ll feel as odd as ever.. somewhat ever that puzzle piece that somehow fits and doesn’t belong at the same time.

Hang on, I’ve got to tuck the munchkins to bed now…

“Thank you for minding us..” My little heart just broke.. :’(. *sigh* That just made it ten times harder to leave.. I love those two munchkins, and I may have been a bit hard on them, but I treat them the same as if they were my own kids. It’s something I won’t admit out loud, but they’re not just my nephews to me, they are to me as if they were my own. Just like the nephew I left behind and am soon returning to.

The other thing that’s making my heart heavy is that guy who thinks of me as his ‘Galway Girl’. I’m too old for summer flings/romances. It was just meant to be two adults having fun, enjoying each other’s company.. and it’s turned into something more, left unsaid. What happened in Ireland stays in Ireland.. but part of me wants more.. and part of me knows better than to suffer through another heart wrenching version of the “Gray Eyes” romance. We said our absolute final goodbyes earlier, without really saying the word.. just a long hug and “Take care..” and I watched him drive away down the road, not waving. It seems better that way, and perhaps not so final.

This will be my last post from the Emerald Isle, in a couple of hours, I’ll be on my way. So.. London, here we come! More adventures to be had for sure!

The Man Who Can’t Be Moved – The Script :.

Heavy Heart :.

Nothing lasts forever.. Blue skies will fade to grey eventually, leaves once green will brown and fall to return to the earth, and even the best of holidays have to come to an end.

Lazy mornings where I can get up delightedly at ten.. or twelve really, will give way to early mornings where I feel like I have no reason to live, children’s voices will be replaced by the stern and sharp voice of my mother, and Jack’s purring at my feet will be replaced by nothing, and I’ll surely feel the emptiness of the warmth then.

Two months have passed in the blink of an eye. I watched two boisterous boys, who wouldn’t give me a moment’s notice, now put the dishes by the sink, as all good children should. They snuggle and kiss their new little sister, a chubby cheeked cherub just over a month old as she wakes and squeals at them, and as the scene of the happy family unfolds, I feel the tightness of sadness in my chest, as much as I love it here, I don’t belong here as much I wish to.

I go home a little bit wiser, more world weary, and with my fair share of midnight feeds and changed nappies, but still with the fear and apprehension that’s embedded so deeply in me that if would break me before I can fix it. Again and again, I realise for things to change, I have to change myself, to take the first step and actually break away from the comfort of clinging to things that remain the same.

I leave behind friends in the Emerald Isle, who have shown me both sympathy and strength, and the joys of living again. I take with me, revelations and disappointments, the bloom of a summer romance, and a good memories from a summer that was never meant to last, no matter how I tried to make it so.

I’m gonna make my last three days memorable. Just like today. Just like everyday has been for the last two months. I still have a week before I show up at airport, welcomed by my sister and my nephew. And to a country that’s plagued by Swine Flu. There may be frightening and troubled times ahead. But for now, let’s live in the moment.

London awaits, with welcome arms and the smiles of old friends.

Content :.

There’s something nice about when you wake up on a drizzly cold morning and there’s a warm body snuggled next to you, even if the body is furry and under your armpit. Jack the cat will blink his eyes sleepily at me as if to say, “Still early, let’s lie in some more..” but he’ll get up and follow me everywhere the second I get up off the bed.

Weekdays, the house is quiet. The floorboards will creak as I walk around. It’s a sound that’s both familiar and not, at the same time. I don’t deny how it makes me feel at home, the smallest things do. Most days, the skies are grey and sometimes wet, a far cry from the blazing heat and blueness that I’m used to, but somehow, the greyer skies make me feel happier.

I drink my morning tea with a cigarette, and Jack purring between my knees and thinking about what I will be cooking for my charges when they get home.Dishes, laundry, the cat and all manner of domestic things will occupy my time until then.

Come three o’clock, sometimes three oh five, the quiet warmth that the house has been wrapped in will be broken with excited yells and screams. Their schoolbags will be dumped at my feet, jackets shoved into my arms, and one of these cheeky boys will be hanging off me like a monkey asking me a thousand and one questions, most of which I’ll never answer, because he asks me in such rapid succession.

The two boys will turn the carefully cleaned house into a mess within minutes. Because of them, I’ll be in the kitchen until it’s time to tuck them into bed at eight thirty. In between, their parents come home, Mom first.. and she’ll have the best of the day’s gossip with her, and we’ll watch the soaps and eat chocolates and she’ll moan about how her pregnant belly is about to burst.  Dad’ll be excited to show me the day’s downloads and what he has planned for the evening’s photoshop lessons.

The best part of the day comes when the boys are in bed and after they’ve said their prayers, time to kiss them good night. The older one just found out about cooties and thinks it’s uncool, and after a tiny amount of resistance will allow it anyway. The younger one always wraps his arms around my neck and hangs on, as if that will stop me from turning off the light.

Admittedly, when the boys have gone down for the count I’ll miss them, just a tiny bit. When the cuckoo downstairs says it’s midnight, I’ll cosy up in the covers and wait for the rapid and soft pitter patter up the stairs.. and the tiniest of creaks from my door, and Jack will make himself comfortable at my feet. This furry foot warmer is really something.

Stony Silence :.

How can you miss someone when they’re sitting right next to you?

At times I feel invisible, or as if I’m just this giant useless teddy bear sitting there.. Like I have no relevance or point of existence.. I’m just there

It makes me feel so angry and sad at the same time. And yet all I can do is stay silent, because is there really a point to say anything?

I don’t know how many times I’ve ridden gunshot with someone, and during the whole car ride, I never utter a word because I don’t have to.. the other person is constantly on the phone, or has nothing to say to me. Or if there’s anything to say, it just opens a whole can of worms better left untouched, and I get hurt all over again, fresh wounds to add to the ones already weeping, and the ones that have formed scars..

Sometimes I feel like an extra appendage.. superfluous.. of no use to anyone. And I’m really losing my head here, because I’m starting to lose myself.. I used to have dreams.. and now I’m not sure, or I’ve forgotten what it’s like to want something so bad.. or to have a goal to chase.

I am lost. I’ve said before, I didn’t need anyone. Maybe the real truth is.. no one needs me. I’m just the extra.. Nobody special.. Not worth noticing.

It would be merciful to just sleep in peace.

Time to breathe :.

Just passing by.. and thought I’d leave a note.

Giving myself time to breathe for a bit. Life is on cruise control, and I’m just enjoying the ride.

I’m keeping busy and keeping sane. I’m surrounded with my friends and family, and being grateful for what I have and trying not to think of what I lack.

It’s raining on my doorstep, and I’m wondering if it’ll stop soon. And if there will be a rainbow after..

But I guess I’ll have to stick around to see it, right?

Longing to fall in love :.

Maybe I’m just a sucker for punishment.. but..

I’m in the mood to fall in love and have my heart achingly broken.. I don’t know why..

Actually I do know why.. if there’s anything that fuels my writing, it’s heartbreak. Gray Eyes has quietly retreated into the part of my head that rationalises that we can never be together physically, so he’s better off on the shelf with the memories of lovers past. And I haven’t really felt anything for anyone else for a while. A fleeting crush, maybe, but nothing significant enough to inspire my writing.

The drama at home is nothing inspiration worthy. It just feeds my anger and bitterness, and often just dredges up the wounds and insecurities I’d rather have hidden away. It brings out a part of me I’d rather not see.

Not that heartache is any better, it turns me into a weepy maudlin mess, makes me gain ten pounds and lose all proper  perspective on reality, but that period of mourning and moaning is conducive for my wordsmithery and once I’m out of the fog of misery, I usually turn into +.1 V of myself, with extra experience points on my side.

And besides, it’s always nice to be in thrall, even for a little while. I’d like to put on the rose coloured glasses and see the world somewhat differently, rather than the blackness that’s been enveloping it all this while.

No pity left :.

Sorry I’ve been away.. I thought I could deal with the pressing issues with my life by doing something about it.. but I can’t. Not the way things are.

The one bright spot in my life for the last couple of weeks was going to the SM Town concert in Bangkok. You know for about 2 and a half days.. it felt so NORMAL.. I cried. It’s so sad when the one thing you actually yearn for is to be normal.. and to get it in such short fleeting moments.. it’s just.. I don’t know. The concert itself was fun. 5 hours of my life I’ll never forget.. emotional, fantastic, and sunburnt. Lol. I met a few other fangirls there.. and to be able to share that kind of experience was just amazing. Gosh, I miss Cate, Tanya, Mandy, Izzie and Cyan so much. I stayed at the Dusit and was there when my idols came into the hotel. They passed by in front of me. I nearly peed myself.

I came back on Sunday/Monday night to emotional turmoil in the house. It’s been like that for the last seven days. Seriously..  when you remove yourself from the situation and come back to see it in full force, you realise how unhealthy and how crappy this current life truly is. It came into spotlight even more last night, as I was talking about it to a friend who was supposed to go with me, but couldn’t in the end.. she said that she was glad I went because I needed it, I came back and my face was aglow and shining. I know the words were supposed to be supportive, but it made me so sad because people close to me can see how much all these ridiculous demands take a toll on me.

I am angry because I wanted to take a pillow and smother her to death earlier. I couldn’t look at her with any pity or any shred of softness left in my heart. It’s hardened. It’s stone. This is what you get when you try to rip a person apart, take away their hopes and dreams and then proceed to make them think that they owe you big time.

Last night after a wonderful valentine’s day dinner with my girls.. I came home, sat in my darkened car, and cried and wailed my heart out. No one heard me or ever will.

10,000 fans, 57 songs, 7 different artists, 5 hours, For one night only :.

SM Town. Bangkok.

Less than one year after the start of my Korean Boyband obsession, I’m going to see them LIVE. TVXQ and their fellow labelmates SHINee, SNSD, Super Junior 13 & M), Zhang Li Yin, etc.. will be performing on Saturday at last!

The concert was supposed to be last year on 29th Nov, but after the riot broke out and the airport was shut down, the concert was postponed at the last minute.. Which turned out to be a blessing in disguise because now, I’m able to go and see some of my favourite acts.. (and my most HATED act) perform live.

And because the concert was postponed, they’re doing a lot os SPECIAL STAGES to make up for it..

I’m probably mean for saying I’m kinda glad that CSJH are not performing, cause I want to see more of the other acts.. but I know a lot of people will be disappointed that they won’t be there.

I’m really looking forward to it.. a little nervous.. because I’ll be meeting a WHOLE LOTTA PEEPS that I’ve never met before.. fellow forum peeps and LJ-ers.. awesome.. It’s going to be a HUGE gathering.. a sort of United Nations under Korea.. lol..

Okay.. I need to wrap my head around this.. so I’m heading for bed now.. I’ll report on everything when I get back..