No pity left :.

Sorry I’ve been away.. I thought I could deal with the pressing issues with my life by doing something about it.. but I can’t. Not the way things are.

The one bright spot in my life for the last couple of weeks was going to the SM Town concert in Bangkok. You know for about 2 and a half days.. it felt so NORMAL.. I cried. It’s so sad when the one thing you actually yearn for is to be normal.. and to get it in such short fleeting moments.. it’s just.. I don’t know. The concert itself was fun. 5 hours of my life I’ll never forget.. emotional, fantastic, and sunburnt. Lol. I met a few other fangirls there.. and to be able to share that kind of experience was just amazing. Gosh, I miss Cate, Tanya, Mandy, Izzie and Cyan so much. I stayed at the Dusit and was there when my idols came into the hotel. They passed by in front of me. I nearly peed myself.

I came back on Sunday/Monday night to emotional turmoil in the house. It’s been like that for the last seven days. Seriously..  when you remove yourself from the situation and come back to see it in full force, you realise how unhealthy and how crappy this current life truly is. It came into spotlight even more last night, as I was talking about it to a friend who was supposed to go with me, but couldn’t in the end.. she said that she was glad I went because I needed it, I came back and my face was aglow and shining. I know the words were supposed to be supportive, but it made me so sad because people close to me can see how much all these ridiculous demands take a toll on me.

I am angry because I wanted to take a pillow and smother her to death earlier. I couldn’t look at her with any pity or any shred of softness left in my heart. It’s hardened. It’s stone. This is what you get when you try to rip a person apart, take away their hopes and dreams and then proceed to make them think that they owe you big time.

Last night after a wonderful valentine’s day dinner with my girls.. I came home, sat in my darkened car, and cried and wailed my heart out. No one heard me or ever will.

~ by alexisband on February 16, 2009.