Heavy Heart :.

Nothing lasts forever.. Blue skies will fade to grey eventually, leaves once green will brown and fall to return to the earth, and even the best of holidays have to come to an end.

Lazy mornings where I can get up delightedly at ten.. or twelve really, will give way to early mornings where I feel like I have no reason to live, children’s voices will be replaced by the stern and sharp voice of my mother, and Jack’s purring at my feet will be replaced by nothing, and I’ll surely feel the emptiness of the warmth then.

Two months have passed in the blink of an eye. I watched two boisterous boys, who wouldn’t give me a moment’s notice, now put the dishes by the sink, as all good children should. They snuggle and kiss their new little sister, a chubby cheeked cherub just over a month old as she wakes and squeals at them, and as the scene of the happy family unfolds, I feel the tightness of sadness in my chest, as much as I love it here, I don’t belong here as much I wish to.

I go home a little bit wiser, more world weary, and with my fair share of midnight feeds and changed nappies, but still with the fear and apprehension that’s embedded so deeply in me that if would break me before I can fix it. Again and again, I realise for things to change, I have to change myself, to take the first step and actually break away from the comfort of clinging to things that remain the same.

I leave behind friends in the Emerald Isle, who have shown me both sympathy and strength, and the joys of living again. I take with me, revelations and disappointments, the bloom of a summer romance, and a good memories from a summer that was never meant to last, no matter how I tried to make it so.

I’m gonna make my last three days memorable. Just like today. Just like everyday has been for the last two months. I still have a week before I show up at airport, welcomed by my sister and my nephew. And to a country that’s plagued by Swine Flu. There may be frightening and troubled times ahead. But for now, let’s live in the moment.

London awaits, with welcome arms and the smiles of old friends.

~ by alexisband on July 20, 2009.